Sunday, 3 April 2011
I'm not in a good mood right now...Its been awhile actually, but it didn't get better...It started when i called him long after dinner time but there was no answer..i was a little pissed off because i told him to call after he finished dinner with his friends..i thought he must have been spending time in his friend's room or maybe having a party with a bunch of people at the cafe, thats why he took so long to finish his dinner...i mean, how could he be doing that when he doesn't even have like more than 15 minutes to chat with me? it's unfair isn't it? after i finished bathing, he called..i wanted to ignore his calls but i said i'll call him back cause a friend is in my room..after she left, i called for the second time, but again, nobody pick up the phone...like seriously, i thought of asking him "y are u always not there when i wanted to talk to you?' but you see, the first time he didn't pick up was because he was outside busy looking for a perfect birthday present for me, while the second time is because he just got back to his hostel and hence was bathing...i mean, i seriously did not expect him to have spent a whole night just to get me a birthday present..he sounds so stressed up and is trying so hard to resist chatting with me on the phone except when i'm upset...he is definitely doing a boyfriend's responsibility really well..i mean, i did not even get him his birthday present on time when i was just sitting for a 10% selanjar while he did it though its his finals..at times i think he expects too much from me, that i wanted to tell him stop asking for more and just be happy with what i have to give..but then again, is he having expectations beause he actually gave even more in the first place? i'm a horrible girlfriend!
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
i had a dream..we were getting married soon, mom agreed and my friends were all busy and enthusiastic about helping me with the wedding..but it seems that i'm the most reluctant person in that situation..i was worried, freaked out a lil, well, quite a lot in fact, thinking had i lose my mind to have made such huge lifetime decision? i wasn't prepared at all..it definitely mean something doesn't it? i've had this thought that things might be sweet like in those romantic korean dramas where really young couples get married, they get to grow up with the people they love! wonderful isn't it? but in that dream, i realised, no..its not at all what i want..i'm not sure of the reason; whether its because i'm not convinced if he's the right guy to spend my life with, or its because i'm afraid i might lose my freedom, my youth etc..well, he made me cry tonight..thats the main reason why i'm writing this..i used to be very sure that he's definitely the right guy, but things changed..from 99%, it dropped all the way till i'm not sure how low, but it's definitely really low that i'm kinda sure that things aren't going to work out smoothly between us in the long run..the thing is, i'm starting to think that breaking up is actually the right thing to do, but i'm not doing it, i'm ignoring that thought, but it comes back everytime he does something wrong because it reminds me of the 'right thing to do'...breaking up needs strong will, effort and courage..i used to salute people who stays in a long term relationship, but i think now i have to salute people who had guts to walk out of it even more...
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Monday, 14 March 2011
Here i am writing again..how ironic cause when i created this blog, i thought i might open it in like once in a blue moon, but hey...here's another post not too long after the first..well, its sad that my first entry was quite a depressing one..i wish it would be something more..light, and delightful i would say..this time around, here comes the question again.why am i writing? i'm annoyed..annoyed with many many small little things and i just need to express it out but not by words because the person listening to this might think that i'm just too hard to live with..so, yea..writing will be good..i mean, its not like im really that hard to live with, its just that when every small little thing all go haywire at the same time, you just feel like the whole world has got issues with you..like WTH...hmm...oh, before i forget..another reason why i'm writing is because i have too many things to do that i don't even know what or which to start with..so, probably by writing, i can slowly figure them out one by one..but now i don't think its a good idea, cause...slowly? hmm..i must have knocked my head somewhere hard enough to ever think i have the time to do things slowly..i really need to stop writing right now. you know, time factor..gambate to myself!
Friday, 11 March 2011
I feel like writing today..reason? i've been doing a lot of talking and yet things aren't solved yet..i feel that things are all messed up and it takes a lot of time and effort to actually put them back in place..perhaps fast paced life like this just doesn't suit me? i don't know..its just that yesterday when i was walking very slowly in the dark with a lighted candle..i felt calm..i felt that it reminds me that at times we just need to slow down a little in life..its been so long since i last walked that slow, having practically nothing in mind to think about..but how long do i get to slow down like that? i have so much to do that i'm not even sure if i can manage to get everything done in time if i start now, at this very moment and to go on non-stop till the very end..and mum..she appears rather emotinal to me..i mean, i'm a bit emotinally drained myself..i wish i have the time to keep her accompanied..i wish i have the strength to supprt her emotionally..and i wish to let her know what i'm feeling right now..but i just couldn't do that, could i? i'm going home next tuesday, but i'm starting to regret it...and yes..i regret making the decision to go home.